JOURNAL: Nine

I don’t even know why I’m crying. I was never this desperate for love. I only tend to imagine things like me going out with some other guys I had a crush on. I only imagine one scene with them — it can be hiking somewhere with J, having evening roadtrips with K, or go beach hopping with S. I only imagined for fun, to entertain myself, to see myself with someone because to be honest, I’m so sick of being alone. I’m sick of being in a circle of friends where they all tend to experience being in love as of the moment. I’m so sick of hearing all their romantic walks, sweet moments, and countless efforts just to prove how much they love each other. I had a lot of crushes ever since the day I went single again. Ever since the day I broke up with him after knowing that I’m not the only girl, after knowing that he betrayed me after fighting for him, after knowing that I was the one who was being fooled. But I was never happy. Having a lot of crushes is not something I should be proud of because you know what? It is nonsense. I am only feeding myself temporary happiness to atleast ease the pain a little bit. I wanted to be happy again. I wanted to love again but I just can’t find the perfect guy that I’m gonna have to give all my heart out. The perfect guy that will finally see all my efforts, all my love, all my faithfulness. The perfect guy who would appreciate all the things I would do to him because it’s all that I can give. I have nothing else inside me but the love that I could pour out to the people that are surrounding me — making me blind of the fact that most of them would probably hurt me. But what can I do? It’s all I can give since it is also what I can’t have in return.

The same thought I have when it comes to you.

The hiking, the roadtrips, the beach hopping and the guy that I am with suddenly vanish. It all changed. It has the same scene but I am with a different guy. I am with you. And everytime I close my eyes to start imagining things again, you’re all that I see. You’re all that I’m with. You’re all that I am. But what hurts is that I need to fight against it. I need to stop imagining or hoping for things when I know it’s never going to happen. Because with you, I only imagine happiness but I tend to get hurt in reality. It is only in my imagination that I can clearly see what we’re going to be and what I want us to be. In reality, there’s nothing. It’s a plain boring wall and I cannot draw something into it because “us” doesn’t really exist in the real world. I am only with you in my imagination and you are only with me because I want to. I don’t want you to only be a fantasy but rather someone that I can also be with in reality. But then again, I need to fight against it.

It hurts but I have to.

First of all, I don’t deserve to have you. You are one amazing guy who would put priorities first before anything else. You are loved by many because you are wonderful. Everybody looks up to you and sees a very bright future ahead of you. But I’m not as good as you. I will be the flaw to your supposedly flawless world. I will be your headache. I am not anything like you because I am broken, scarred, and lost. I am empty. Second, I am your sister’s college best friend. Things will be awkward with her for I know she is not used to the idea of having her brother being involved in something that is risky. I don’t want to hurt her and I don’t want to let her see me as someone who could actually break her brother’s heart. I don’t want her to change whatever friendship we are having right now into something more just because I am her brother’s fling. I don’t want her to be confused on which side she’s gonna have to pick everytime we argue. I don’t want her to keep secrets from me or from you. I want her to only choose you. I want her to only support your happiness. Mine doesn’t matter because it’s never there. Third, I don’t want to hurt you. I am a girl with a very messy world that revolves around pain and suffering. My world is too complicated that it’s better for me to face it alone than to bring along somebody who doesn’t deserve to get hurt. There are times that I would be needing you and would actually tell you to stop whatever you’re doing just so you could come over and hug me. I’m not ready to change your world and everything that you do for a girl as hopeless and as worthless as me. Fourth, you deserve to be happy. I’m not saying that you won’t be happy with me but I know for sure you’re better without me in the picture. Everything is perfect now that we’re just friends. It will be less complicated to deal with than to see you getting hurt because of the things that I did not mean to do. I don’t wanna see you cry or suffer because of me and I’m telling you these things because I really am so broken and very hard to fix anymore. Lastly, I am scared. I’m scared I might screw everything up again just like what I did in the past. I’m scared to get hurt as much as I got hurt before. I’m scared that you’d give up on me because you couldn’t take it anymore. I’m scared I might change you into a disappointment. I’m scared that when I take this risk and succeed, I might have to lose you one day.

I’m scared because I badly want to love you.

I really do. I promised myself to love my next one the best way I could ever think of. And I want to do it with you. I want to love you like it’s the end of the world. I want to love you like I’m gonna die the next day. I want to love you like I’ve never loved anybody else before. If waiting for you would make it happen, then I will. If only I can talk to God face to face and beg Him to let me love you even if He thinks I don’t deserve it, then I would do it. I want to love you so bad that it hurts. I want to love you so bad that me getting hurt will no longer be important.

I want to love you so bad that I wish I never even met you.

It’s so hard to escape now that I’m completely drown over you. Maybe I got to survive the past months of hiding my true feelings for you and telling people I had a crush on someone else for me to erase the idea of trying to take the risk for you. I was willing to. But I chose not to. And I already laid my reasons above. Now, I couldn’t control myself. I tried but it’s not working anymore. It’s already out and it’s already visible. Everytime I think of loving you again, I immediately read this message for me to remind myself that it’s wrong. It’s really really wrong. Eventhough there’s a little hope that you’d fight for me, I know you never would. Because I’m just nobody to you. You only know me as your sister’s friend and that’s it.

You’re the brightest star I just couldn’t reach.

Isn’t it ironic? That you think everything’s going smoothly when infact, there’s a girl out there, crying alone in her room, trying to talk to you through this message because she couldn’t do it in person? It’s two different worlds for both of us. You are happy. And I’m crying because of you that I don’t even know why. I was still able to control it until you made my heart skipped a beat last night.

I lost it, completely lost it.

I scolded myself for not controlling what I felt last night. I froze as you suddenly hugged me and smiled at me. It was the first time you did that. You usually just ignore me or give me shy smiles but last night was different. You hugged me. You talked to me. You texted me. You made me feel like I was really someone to you last night. I felt important all of a sudden. And it made me happy. I miss the feeling of being able to feel happiness again after a long time of trying and forcing to be. The reason that I went last night was just to support you but you literally changed the story. I knew I wasn’t just there to support. I wasn’t just there to scream my voice out, cheer for you, and let you smile. I was there for something else, something I haven’t been feeling for a very long time. Something that I was craving for. Something that would really put a little happiness to my world.

I was there for you.

You are the reason why I went there. Not for the pageant, but for you. I felt that you were nervous and a little bit scared and it was my duty to be there and cheer you up, assure you that everything’s gonna be okay. I was there for a purpose. I was there because you technically needed me, even if you tell me now that you don’t. I was there because you called me, not literally but you did. I was there because you wanted me to be. I was there because you were hoping to see me. I was there because of you. And because of you, I can’t hide anymore.

Am I losing my mind? Or is this what I’d like to think and happen?

I don’t know where this might be going or God knows what’s going to happen next but I can assure you one thing — I am here. Even if you will secretly hurt me, I am here. Even if I don’t show it, I am here. Even if it’s hopeless, I am here. I am here because you are.

Maybe I wanted you because of a reason. A reason that I still don’t know as of the moment. Maybe I was craving for love because I know it’s out there, because I know you’re there.
Maybe I was crying because I wanted you so badly. Maybe I am like this because I want to be happy. Maybe I am here because my doors are already open — because of you. Maybe I am writing this because I’m ready. I’m ready.

I’m ready to love again.

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