JOURNAL: You

My favorite word in the dictionary: You

I’m not referring to only one person but to a lot of you that came and left. To the you that knocked, came in, then left me hanging. To the you that broke me to pieces. To the you that told me I wasn’t enough. To the you that made my heart go bouncing. To the you that made me realize what love really is. To the you that made me sacrifice for something worth it. To the you that once told me to never give up. To the you that stayed. To the you that never left. To the you that completed me. And to the you that gave me the reason to fight for life.

I have loved a lot. Got hurt a lot. And was left behind a lot of times already. People made me believe that everything happens for a reason yet they never even gave me a reason why they tried to come in when they know they’ve always wanted to leave. Is my love too much for you? Are my sacrifices not enough for you to even notice? Are my tears not painful enough to prove you that I care? Was it really my fault that you don’t see me as someone special? Is it really me who cheated? Is it my fault that I wasn’t enough for you? I loved a lot, but I was only inlove once.

Am I really not worth it?

Everybody leaves me. Everybody breaks my heart. Everybody shatters me to pieces. What’s wrong with caring for you too much? What’s wrong with getting worried sometimes? What’s wrong with efforts and adjustments? I tried my best to love you as you, to love you unconditionally, to love you the best way I can. But I guess my best wasn’t enough. I guess my best isn’t enough.

Is it wrong to love you with all that I have?

To the you that made suffer for 3 years: Was it my fault that I couldn’t do it anymore? Was it my fault that I stayed loyal for 3 years yet you do not even appreciate one single effort I did? Tell me, was 3 years of me suffering not enough for you?

To the you that lied: Why did you ever do such thing? Why did you let me realize that there are really people in this world who can hurt you as much as they want to when all you ever did was to love them? Tell me, was there a day I ever lied to you in the long span of time that we were together?

To the you that never got contented: Was I not enough? Has it ever crossed your mind that your reason for having me and her at the same time is just so not justifiable? Tell me, is it wrong to just stick to one?

To the you that left me hanging: What was wrong? I thought we will both fight for long distance relationship? Was I the only one fighting? Tell me, were you brave enough to say those words but weak enough to prove it?

To the you that cheated: Are you happy now? What is it like to cheat and rub it on someone’s face? Do you think you’re the best playboy in this world already? Tell me, are you even brave enough to admit your mistakes?

To all the past you:

I tried. I loved you with all that I am, with all that I have, with all that I can. You know how many times I proved it to you, right? I always make in on time for your basketball tournament. I was always there for your band’s gigs. I always waited for you to finish things up so we could talk again. I was there to cheer you up for your examination. I was always there to comfort you at times of loneliness. In all your special pageants and tournaments, I was never absent. I never failed to prove you how much you mean to me and among all the people who knew, it was you who knew it all well.

But what did you do?

You threw everything away like it was just a piece of garbage for you, like I was just a trash. You took advantage of my fear of being left behind and slammed it straight to my face. You took advantage of my feelings and screw everything up. You even dared to cheat and still made me believe that everything’s perfectly fine. Well guess what? I noticed. Everything. If you thought you fooled me then think again. I knew everything all along, I just had to wait for you to admit your mistakes. And not even one of you was brave enough to show how manly you are to tell the truth. Not. Even. Single. One. Of. You.

Are you proud of yourself now?

Well, you should be. Because you created me to be stronger. You made me realize that people will come and will eventually leave you, hanging or not. That people will always hurt you, whether you like it or not. That people will never get contented with you, no matter what you do. I guess this is part of love. When you thought you’re happy but deep inside you know there is just something wrong. Love isn’t perfect. It gets more complicated as time passes by. You just need to be strong enough to fight for it.

You taught me how to trust.

There are lots of fake people out there who will only take advantage of what I could give to them. If life would be similar to the deep blue sea, then I think I would be the only stone to all the fishes that are there. I am cold, hard, and you cannot just easily carry me wherever you want to. You taught me not to easily trust when it comes to boys; when it comes to love. You made me the person I have always wanted to be. Out of all the realizations there are, it is you that I consider as my favorite. Because without you, I will never be who I am right now: wiser and stronger than ever.

So I thank you, all of you.

Because now, as I am ready to love again, I carry with me lessons that only you guys taught me. I am ready to get hurt and cry again for I know it will always be worth it. When I love, I love. A lot. And eventhough I sometimes think that it was me who was the problem, I’d like to think that it’s just because I love too much. But what can I do? You were a blessing. He gave me you and you deserved to be loved. You deserve to be appreciated and there was never a single day that I regretted loving you. I gave my best. I poured all my love for you. It’s just you who didn’t see the worth of it. But still, I thank you.

So to the next you:

Please be different. If I ever took the risk for you, please don’t take it for granted. If I ever started giving efforts, please appreciate it. If I ever made you smile, please don’t hide it. If I ever started opening up to you, please listen. And if I ever started loving you already, please savor the moment. Show me. Show me that you are worth it. Let me see your broken heart and allow me to fix it with the love I have intended to give you. Don’t wait for me to get tired because I don’t ever want to love you with regrets. I am not like other girls out there, who will just love you. I don’t “just” love. I love with all my heart. I love deeply. I make love such a big deal because you know why? It’s the best gift I ever received. So don’t blame me if I ever open my doors for you. Maybe there is just something about you that I find beautiful — even the little things — that I decided to love. Allow me to fully open my heart for you because I know you are worth everything. I don’t “just” love. I choose the people I will love.

So to whoever you are, to the next you, know that you are safe with me.

I want to be your right arm, your shield, and your source of happiness. I want to be one of the reasons why you want to finish college and have a nice future. I want to be the one who lets you see the beauty of all the broken things. I want to be the one who will wipe away your tears. I want to be the one who will make your jaw drop everytime I wear something revealing for our special dates. I want to be one who will change your world.

Let’s make it different.

I’ll never let go as long as you never give me a reason to. I will always be there through all your ups and downs. I am always here to support you, no matter how huge or stupid your dreams may be. I will laugh with you when you’re happy and will kiss you when you’re not. I will try my best to keep you happy with me at all times. Again, you’re safe with me. I will always be here for you.

Because I’m yours.

So to the next you, please be the last one. Or if not, please be the best one there is. I want to tell the world that among all the you there were, it was you stayed and it was you who never left.

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