JOURNAL: My One That Got Away

You were always there. But I didn’t bother.
You were always there. But I didn’t appreciate you.
You were always there. But I wasn’t.

In a very unfair world we have, all we need is love. And while you were giving me everything you could, I didn’t even bother lending you a piece of mine.

To my one that got away, hello.

I just started but I already have to say goodbye. I still haven’t blinked my eyes yet but you were already leaving. I don’t know if this is necessary but I do regret making you feel hopeless. I regret making you feel like I don’t need you at all. I regret making you wait for so long.

I know this is all my fault but I will be saying sorry although it’s too late already, for letting this happen. For assuming that you’ll still be patiently waiting for me. For being insensitive and inconsiderate. For being selfish and for making you feel like I’m pushing you away. I guess you’re right, I’m only good with words. But if I could ever bring it all back, I would choose you. If I know this is going to happen, I would choose you. If I know I’d lose you anytime sooner, I would have chosen you.

But I didn’t.

I would’ve dropped my pen, closed my laptop, left my work only to listen to what you had to say. I would’ve called you to ask you if you were okay and if everything was going well. I would’ve checked on you day and night, from time to time, to see if you were still fighting. I could do all these things. I should’ve.

But I didn’t.

I didn’t because I was too selfish thinking only about myself and how I saw you as someone who’d wait for me. I was too confident that you’d understand my schedule and how busy I was at school. I tried to explain to you all the works I had to finish and how my head hurts like hell.

But you were right, I was only thinking about myself.

As you were listening to all my rants, I closed my ears for you. I was too serious about taking it slow that I forgot about how long you were already waiting for me. As I was facing each day thinking about the many things I had to finish, I forgot about you waiting for me to finish until you fell asleep. I treated the time as my boss. I was scared to fail at anything that I was doing and I forgot about the little things you were doing for me. All these realizations hit me like a lightning. It all came up to me the day you stopped.

You stopped making me smile.
You stopped chasing me.
You stopped loving me.

And even though it was all unfair for me, it was the best thing you realized you could do to yourself.

Maybe it occurred to you that you weren’t happy anymore. Maybe you realized how awful I was to you. Maybe it came to you that you deserve better than this. Whatever those maybes might be, I’d try to understand. Even though I so much wanted you back, I will try. Even if you will tell me you aren’t coming back, I will try.

Even if you need to stop talking to me, I will try.

Because it’s the least I could do to make up for all the stupid things I did to you.

So to my one that got away, forgive me.

First, for not trying to love you.
Second, for seeing things just according to my perspective.
And third, for being selfish.

I need to accept the fact that it’s done, we’re done. It’s a lot harder to take in than I thought it would but I’ll be fine. This broken heart cannot be compared to the pain you felt for the whole time you were with me.

If there’s one thing I would like to say, it would be sorry.

It hurts my ego but I know you deserve better. And if better is her, then I will understand. I will be happy for you. Because nothing hurts me more than knowing the fact that I already lost you and you lost yourself as well. You found your happiness.

Don’t ever let it get away.

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