I believe that happiness starts with a smile. But I also believe that a smile can hide a thousand stories.
I am in love with black. I usually see myself as a person who sees black as a happy color. Some people say it symbolizes negative things and most of the people finding comfort in black are the ones who are usually sad and depressed.
I love pink as well. It brightens up my mood and it explains my bubbly personality. Now they say that it is a happy color and girls find comfort in pink because of it is welcoming and very expressive.
Have you ever seen both colors present in a single picture? Have you ever seen the happy color pink kissing the sad color black? Do you agree with me that it is not very satisfying to look at?
Why are we trying to combine a happy and a sad color here?
Well guys, I’m trying to give you a hint to what my life is like.
I have been able to live a very complicated life for almost 19 years now. I have been standing in front of people trying to hide the pain that was slowly killing me inside. I have managed to smile despite the challenges & disappointments in life. I have been able to make other people happy by pouring out all the love I had because that was the only thing I could offer.
I am a sad, a hopeless, and a lonely soul.
I honestly find comfort in dark places and I’ve always wanted to be alone. I’m not an introvert for I love socializing with people and I easily make friends. I also don’t consider myself as an extrovert for I sometimes shut people down and I just disappear without anybody knowing why. I’d like to call myself mysterious. Not because I don’t show my real emotions but because I can just easily leave you all behind without telling you any reasons why.
I have been through ups and downs, mostly downs, my entire life. I grew up in a very supportive and loving family but if I never had them, it’d only be me growing up. I got to see and experience things out of curiosity and stubbornness. I have learned to love other people’s souls and read emotions through their eyes. I taught myself things out of my experiences.
Yes, I did have people around me but I still felt like the world hated me because it never stopped making me feel alone.
I was alone. That’s one fact I can never erase.
I asked myself questions that would lead me to overthinking. I sought for answers that weren’t there. I looked for people who did not exist. And I always ended up hugging myself alone in my room, trying to fight the pain by asking myself, “When will this end?”
People knew me as a person who loves to jokes around and to laugh out loud. People knew me as a girl who loves to have a lot of friends. People were also aware of the fact that I grew up without my biological parents guiding me along the way because they just don’t care at all.
I have learned to do things on my own because nobody could attend to my needs. I had all my firsts kept only to myself because nobody was there to listen. I had good and bad days written in my diary because there was nobody to talk to. These were just some of the reasons why growing up wasn’t easy for me.
I usually got jealous of people having happiness wrapped around their fingers. I got jealous of people finding love out of nowhere. I was so jealous of people who wake up everyday with huge smiles on their faces.
I tried to be one of them.
But I always failed.
Growing up with depression was not a joke. As soon as I woke up in the morning, I asked myself, “Why am I still alive?” I silently prayed that I die in my sleep. I didn’t understand my purpose of still living when I was already aware of the fact that I was emotionally dead.
I saw myself smile once in a while but I’ve never seen myself smiled so wide. I helped other people with their problems but I’ve never tried helping myself out. I gave out all the love I had in me to others because it never crossed my mind that I deserved having it. That’s why when I love, I love with all my heart and all that I have for that is the only positive thing left in me. I had nothing. I had big dreams but I thought it would make me happier if other people reach theirs than I do with mine.
I was a hopeless case. And I was only living because I had to.
I tried threatening my own life years ago. Everything was set and I was ready to finally kill the pain that grew every single day as I woke up. I was ready to kill my hopes and dreams for I knew it’s never going to happen anyway. I was ready to forget everything and to welcome myself into the world of darkness, where I belonged.
I just didn’t care anymore. I tried doing counseling but it didn’t even help me at all. I was hesitant in reaching out to people for I know I will only be a bother to them. I tried to think happy thoughts but there was nothing happy about my life, about the world.
So, I decided to end it.
Tears were streaming down my face as soon as I held the rope with my hand. I wanted somebody to come save me but there was nobody I could call out to. I gave out hints to people who just took it as a joke. I heard this little voice inside my head whispering to me that dying is the only escape to the deep pain I was feeling. I kept saying sorry to the door in front of me hoping that somebody would hear me.
I was tired, depressed, and hopeless. I wanted to end it quickly.
But you know what stopped me?
As soon as I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, I only heard one thing. My heartbeat. As it slowly beats, my tears were also slowly streaming down my face. I stood still, body froze, trying to hear what my heart was telling me.
I then realized that no matter how much I wanted to end my life, my life itself didn’t want me to. I felt every nerve of my body tensed and my brain was trying to show my memories in a slideshow.
My life itself tried to remind me that I was here for a reason.
What’s weird was the fact that I was not trying to remember things, instead I was trying to imagine new things that I wanted to do and the person I wanted to become. It included me finding love in the least expected place, me wearing a huge ball gown for my wedding, me helping other people, and me being in a better situation, a happier one.
If I’m gone, who’s going to make my mom laugh?
If I’m gone, who’s going to wipe my bestfriend’s tears?
If I’m gone, how am I supposed to find true love?
If I’m gone, I could no longer put a smile on all of your faces.
And with just a snap, I gave life another chance.
The second I let go of the rope was the moment I promised myself to live life exactly as how I wanted it to be. The process may not be easy but taking little steps is still considered as progress. I wanted to see myself stand up again and even if depression was still there, I wanted to be the person that would still fight for life even with depression hugging me along the way.
I saw depression as my inspiration to proving myself that I can always do better. I can always be better.
I changed the way I see life by putting extra efforts to everything that I do. I tried to look for happiness through all the little things in life. I went out of the darkness and embraced the light with new hopes and dreams sitting on my shoulders. I allowed myself to be a helping hand to those people who are hopeless cases like me. I was happy I did that. Because if I didn’t, you never would’ve been able to read this journal in the first place.
I realized that life goes on.
I still carry my flaws with me wherever I go but because I have learned to love myself, I see them as puzzle pieces that completes me. I still have doubts and anxiety but because my dreams are now bigger than my fears, I am able to set them aside. I am still hesitant in taking risks because of my huge fear for rejection but what is life without little challenges?
What’s more important for me now is to see the positives a lot more than the negatives. And even if I still overthink, it never stopped me from trying and trying all over again.
My life right now is still a combination of pink and black. I am still that girl who goes out to make new friends and comes home smiling because she’s finally alone again. I am still that person who prefers to write than to talk about what’s bothering me. I am still me, the Angelica Rose that would do her best and would give her all just to see you smile. Just a bit stronger and better now.
I still have a long way to go but I am proud to say that I was able to kill depression that lived with me for the past 19 years. Because of that, I was able to travel and see the world that I never would’ve seen if I didn’t give life another shot. I was able to make people smile again which serves as my strength to still live the life I decided to. I learned to love, appreciate, and accept all the blessings that were given to me the moment I decided to give myself another chance.
I was able to see more. I was able to love more. And I was able to get to know myself even more.
I was able to fully love myself again.
Make yourself as an inspiration why you want to try again. Life is bullshit, I agree, but life is also beautiful if you just allow yourself to see it that way. Make darkness the reason why you wanted to see the light.
There is always something out there waiting for you.
You are stronger than depression and I know you know that.
Give your life another chance. Restart. Make new memories. Live happily. And never stop until you finally love yourself again.
I am Angelica Rose B. Ranile, a normal teenager, a combination of pink and black, been through all the bullshit in life, and I am proud to say that I was able to beat my own depression.
Now, your turn.